Can I, an Addict Be Forgiven?

What is forgiveness?

Is being forgiven the same as off the “hook”?

Wish it was, but the fact is that is not what forgiveness is at all.  Yes we are to forgive and forget, however life doesn’t forget.  Do we as human beings ever really learn to forgive?

This particular hub I am going to make a little more personal than previous hubs, I have had a journey and I know I am not at my destination as of yet it is time to tell you what roads I have travelled on, through, etc.

If you have read the hubs, you might have guessed that I have struggled with things, sometimes within the church, sometimes outside.

I was a gambling addict, it led to many afflictions in my life, it compromised my ability to make decisions, it was my excuse to lie, to cheat, to steal, to manipulate, and become self destructive.

When it started, I though cool a game where I can make a little money…

Then when I lost some, I became irrational in trying to find ways to replace it, theft, from anyone and anytime.  I was so lost in my own world; it came to a point where if I couldn’t get out and gamble, I would take prescription pills to numb myself.  I had different excuses for different doctors.  I was slowly killing myself, my dreams, and my future.

How did it start?

I was in my mid 20s and living out of touch, I was in Edmonton, Alberta, the year was 1995, I stuck a 20 dollar bill inside a VLT and BAM $300 came out, just that fast. I was hooked. And off and on for almost 15 years, I was an active participant in the devil’s playground of gambling.

I cannot tell you how many times I won or lost, I simply cannot remember, that might justify a reason to try again. I cannot even tempt myself with that.

I was not a total loss during that 15 years, I became a Dad three times, I got married, and I lived a life of two people. One the addict, secondly I was a dreadful father, and an awful husband. Addictions take over one’s ability to reason; there was nothing better at the time than the high of a big “win”, and nothing more disabling than a big loss.

It is now 2010, and I am aware of the consequences still. I owe money to people I should have never borrowed from, I am still in recovery mode, and I have to be very careful of where I am. You see for me it wasn’t the big lights in casinos that drew me in, it was being in a sleazy dirty bar, where I could hide, and duck out a back door if I lost, or walk out the front door the few time I won.

In 2005 my life took a dramatic loss, my gambling led to my marriage falling apart, an affair, and being separated from my children. The next two years, saw my personal debt grow to almost 30,000 dollars. Insanity was controlling my every deed, my every thought.

Late in 2007 I finally hit the bottom, I had payday loans going from three different businesses, I finally checked into rehab. A little hospital north of Edmonton, I was there for only a week, they didn’t consider gambling a life threatening addiction. Although while I was there, I didn’t take any pills, I didn’t gamble, and I actually believed I might conquer this on my own.

As I was leaving, I stopped at a familiar bar on the way home, and you guessed it, I gambled.

That Christmas was devastating, I had to tell my son I wasn’t going to be able to see him, and my soon to be ex wife was really giving me the gears. I am not seeking any sympathy; I would no longer do that. Somehow my aunt and my mom found a way for me to be with the kids on Christmas Day, it was a very quick visit, and I was back at work the day after Boxing Day. The next two months would seal my fate, the gambling was back in full force, the pills where my crutch. And the affair was finally losing its allure.

January 2008, working in the oil patch, going on almost three years with one company minus a couple of months of indecision on my behalf. I wasn’t eating, I was smoking almost two packs a day, never was a drinker so thankfully that didn’t infect me. The insanity was growing; I was in the bars gambling at lunch, after work, and then again late at night. I didn’t care about anyone or anything.

February 2008, I was offered a new job in a place called Fort Mac Murray; this gig would have increased my wages a lot. As I was packing up to go, my grandmother called me, she simply asked what I needed to come home, home to Abbotsford, where my kids were at the time.

For the first time in a long time, someone really cared, someone reached out without offering a band aid solution.

Last Sunday of February 2008, I left Edmonton.

May 2008, a long time friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to church, I was kinda hesitant but I figured why not, what have I got to lose?

I had grown up in the church, I knew what the rules were, I also knew that deep down inside of me, was a hunger that no amount of money could ever fill.  I listened to the pastor that Sunday, he simply stated something like this, “some of you know the truth, and you have walked away, Jesus won’t walk away, if you choose to give your life back to Him, you will be forgiven”.

I prayed the sinner’s prayer that Sunday like I never had before.

June 30, 2008.  Sabrina and I signed our divorce papers.

July 13, 2008.  Sabrina and I decided to give our marriage another chance.

Of course there are many more details I could fill in; I could a write a novel on the addictions and the affair.  But why on earth would I want to re visit the bondage I was in?

I know what forgiveness is, I have received it, now it is up to me to continue to give back.

Yes I am still to this day trying to figure out how my debt will be paid back, forgiveness is not a get out of jail free card.  Being forgiven is having the ability to realize that your past is not controlling your future.

My life with Sabrina is continually growing.  Living in the house with my three kids, and my amazing wife, is so rewarding. 

If you or if you know of someone dealing with any kind of addiction, please do not give up on them, you never know when God is going to prepare their heart for His purpose.

I still have a long way to go, my journey is proof that God is alive and well.